Motherhood vs Martyrdom

It's been a while since I took to my keyboard to share any thoughts or recommendations with anyone. In the time since I last wrote, I went back to being a full-time Art Gallery employee and some years later, took on the fullest time job I have ever performed, becoming a mother. In the two and a half years since my daughter was born and my world was reconstructed, I too was reborn in many ways. My nervous system was rebuilt, my priorities were reassigned, and the way my days looked and felt was completely transformed. Many people will say that being a mother is the hardest job there is, and in many ways I agree with them. The utter relentlessness, unpredicability, lack of control and constant mental load can take its toll on the best of us. In this piece, I would like to pick apart some of the guiding principles which have enabled me to keep (parts) of my sanity and that I hope in turn can help you too. I often find that motherhood is often conflated with martyrdom. That it is considered perfectly normal to not shower, not eat, not sleep all in a bid to help this little person you brought into the world, to thrive. But in my humble opinion, to allow oneself to descend into neglect and ruin is the surest way to burn out. I believe that to try and carve some time out for simple forms of self care will not only benefit you, but your child and your entire family. In the words of Vietnamese monk and peace activist, Thich Naht Hanh, "the most precious inheritance that parents can give to their children is their own happiness", because a healthy child is the product of a healthy and stable parent. This realisation, changed everything for me.

---

Treat Yourself When You're on the Go

The vast majority of your free time as a parent will be spent shepherding your child(ren) from one activity, park, birthday party, soft play, swimming pool etc. to the next. During these operational moments where tantrums, traffic and general stress can occur, try to find a way to do something small but kind for yourself. My personal go-to treats would be to pick up some dark chocolate or maybe a matcha/bottle of water whilst I'm en route to or at the specific venue I'm visiting. Keeping yourself hydrated, satiated and energised enables you to remain the adult in whatever situation occurs. Author of the The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin, defines treats as one of the "secret[s] of adulthood", she explains that if you give more to yourself, you can in turn ask more from yourself. She explains that self regard is not selfish and that it can be a fundamental tool in avoiding feelings of emptiness and ultimately burn out. Moreover, from a mindfulness perspective, savouring the taste of something delicious can help to ground you in the moment, connecting you back to your senses and providing you with a small moment of calm amidst the chaos.

---

Habit Stacking

One of my favourite things to do is habit stack, this enables me to pack an hour's worth of self care into as little as twenty five minutes. As someone who currently exercises from home, one of the benefits of this, other than being able to squeeze my workouts in with greater ease, is that whilst doing my pilates/yoga class I can apply a face mask and hair mask at the same time too. When my class is done I get ready for the day knowing that I not only moved my body but also nurtured myself. The feelings of peace, grounding and satisfaction you feel after a moment like this is meaningful and will pay you dividends throughout your day. Instead of feeling run down, you will feel energised, cared for and equally more centred when dealing with whatever comes your way. Dr Elena Touroni from The Chelsea Psychology Clinic explains the science: "Habit stacking is a cognitive strategy you can use to link a new behaviour with an existing habit that is already ingrained in your daily routine. The main psychological benefit of habit stacking lies in its ability to boost motivation and provide a clear structure for changing your behaviour." Other examples of habits which I love to combine are listening to a sound bath whilst gratitude journalling, reading a book with a face/eye mask on and listening to a podcast whilst driving or walking.

---

Social Media is Not Self Care

It's easy to read advice around self care and think that you simply don't have the time. Whilst it's true that in today's world, time is scarce and undoubtedly our most valuable resource, I will remind you that time invested in yourself boosts your overall efficacy and performance, making you better in every single thing you do throughout the rest of your day. The easiest way to find and optimise time, that seemingly doesn't exist, is to simply look at your screen time. What you see might terrify you, but the time wasted and spent on our phones can exceed our expectations. Social media and its various iterations are the perfect time trap. You think you're going in for a quick check until you keep scrolling, hit the discovery page and realise you've been sucked into the matrix. Let me remind you social media is not self care, in fact it's the exact opposite. Neuroscientist and author of The Dose Effect, TJ Power, has documented the downsides in detail. In Power's words “We have now invented a way in which we can quickly satisfy the deep dopaminergic urge within us by simply picking up our phone and opening social media. We also know, however, that these quick dopamine hits, which aren’t earned through effort, will spike and crash our dopamine system, leaving us feeling demotivated, lethargic, and low. As you engage more often in effortful activities, your capacity to experience high dopamine will increase. In a high dopamine state, you will feel two key symptoms. You will feel productive – you will find your motivation levels are higher, and completing the activities in your life that you know are good for you will feel far more achievable.” Re-claim lost time and re-invest it back into yourself in a way that will move the needle and bring greater happiness, peace and motivation to your life.

---

The Importance of Creating and Sticking to a Routine

Just like our babies, toddlers and children have a routine, which I believe to be the cornerstone of a healthy childhood and a functioning family, I've come to realise that adults too need the same. Perhaps our systems are less sensitive to minor changes and adjustments but the more we lean into some kind of consistency and habitual tendencies; the safer, calmer and more stable we feel. Routine will look different for everyone based on their needs and the amount of free time they have, but by committing to an AM and PM skincare routine, exercise let's say 3 times a week and perhaps a general rule of 80-20 when it comes to healthy food versus indulgence, you are already creating a positive and balanced environment in which you can thrive. Starting with the bare basics can be a wonderful way to build yourself towards a routine that feels even more detailed and bespoke to suit your needs. Personally, good sleep hygiene is essential for me to maximise the quality and consistency of my sleep. Having a more regular bedtime, around 10/10:30pm, avoiding my mobile phone for minimum an hour before, gratitude journalling and reading a few pages of a book have helped to make my sleep more consistent enabling my body to effectively switch off and decompress. Another extremely beneficial habit that you could work towards would be to meditate for ten minutes upon waking in the morning. This profoundly helps to prime your nervous system before starting your day and makes you clearer headed and more centred.

---

Friendship

Lastly, but certainly not least, friendship can become a lifeline for many mothers. Playdates are a place where childhood friendships are formed and female bonds are nurtured. It's impossible for you and your child(ren) to connect with every mother and child that you meet but try to find your tribe and when you do, stick with them; you will become each other's first point of call when difficult phases and abrupt changes occur and you can act as safe haven for one another when together. The unique journey of motherhood is not easily understood by all and even grandparents with all of their goodwill and wisdom can become disconnected through the passage of time and generational shifts, meaning that you can often feel alone or misunderstood. In a piece penned by Hannah Rosenberg for Oprah Daily on the importance of friendship in the early stages of motherhood she writes, "My friends were the ones who made me feel seen, who made me feel like I was not alone...because so many of them had been there, had experienced the same complicated feelings as me—had, too, been surprised at their own feelings of overwhelming love and grief and worry and joy. And the ones who hadn’t, the ones who weren’t parents, were able to be empathetically curious. They knew me. When I felt lost, talking to them helped me to feel like I was returning home." This quote echoes my feelings perfectly. It is the coming home which we all seek, especially in moments where we feel so deeply untethered. Find your friends and nurture those relationships, the solace you find in each other will ground you and help you find your way back to yourself.